some reason.

for some reason i am sad today
its a little self indulgent i agree but it seems that having no real reason to be sad is not a good enough reason to be happy.
I'm about to go to work which admittedly could be one of the reasons i feel a bit shitty. but im not sure it is.
i still have those weird dreams. i have never liked dreams i always try my best to block them out, just because i never feel rested after a dream. i sort of wish i could have said to him "tell me quickly that everything was in my head" i know it would hurt if he'd said yes but it would also mean that maybe i'd stop having these stupid vivid dreams. nobody is as good in reality as i am making him in my mind. its like a hormone induced torture. it could be hormones, it could be idleness. i lack the killer instinct tis true. i also have a tendency to imprint and thats pretty sickening. i look at someone's face and Que the carpenters, "something maudlin and wet please?"
i doent help that as i write this i am listening to Tracy Chapman playing my heart in the key of 'C'
the lyrics to this song always kill me a little  its called 'Never Yours":

I wear my mama´s dress
Her finest clothes
Daddy showed me outside
To meet you on the front porch
I laugh at all your jokes
But you look bored
I´ve been a lot of things but never yours.

Say I have known some
Less than I should
Say I have known some
Too well for my own good
Say I´m a saint of mercy
Say I´m a whore
I´ve been a lot of things
But never yours.



when i was in Italy i imagined dancing to this at my wedding, hardly appropriate, but beautiful none the less.
i feel better now i think.
maybe i should write in this blog more often, lord knows no-one but me reads it but there is some comfort in it being there. i wonder if'll be able to find it again in the future, when i am old. that reminds me of that poem by yeats i think 
"when you are old" there is a line in it that i love and its something like "remember those who loved you with false love and true/ but one man loved the pilgrim soul in you" 
 i like the idea of a pilgrim soul.