MUM

I  hurt my mum's feelings tonight.
but try as i might i can't say I'm sorry, coz I'm not. not really.
this year i was sometimes so angry, when you have money but decide you are going to be cheap it is easy to say so.
"no I'm not going out, i'm broke"
see easy. but when you don't its almost shamefull. i was embarrased that i couldn't afford my textbooks and angry that i couldn't ask my parents to help tonight i told my mum to grow up and sort herself out.
who does that? thats not fair. she has done everything she could to help me. everything. i always had the best of everything... eventually. what right do i have to be angry?
there is a word that fills the space of our flat. its so heavy i see my mother's spine curve under it.
Bankruptcy.
and with it follow
Unemployment.
Eviction
and
Dole.
these words run through my head all day.
i get home from work, my body aching and my mind whirling and put the little cash i have in a box in the living room knowing it will be gone the next time i open it.
and i'm not angry
im just scared. my dad has been poor all my life. i don't care, i don't give a fuck about that
but not my mum too.
please not her.
i told my mum to grow up because in my mind-world parents are responsible and solvent. they don't need your help and they always know what to do. my mum is the strongest, bravest person i know but today she is crumpled.
and confused
and looks for all the world as if she doesn't know where she is. i have to set up a standing order soon to pay the bills on my house in sheffield. my overdraft is quickly coming to an end and my job might be closing down for the summer as i think of all these things a feel my chest getting tight and my shoulders hurt and i wish i could just go back to before.