i am sort of like an old man in tap shoes dancing until somebody loves him
in fact that is exactly what i am like.
to illustrate this here is an example of me flirting via email (under every joke is etched: "please laugh and then find me attractive!") pathetic.
and he is no better, what a waste of wit.
- rite oh i found i have been quite remiss in my joke telling 2day heres one that has a duck in it:ok so a duck walks into a bar (though to be honest this is somewhat of a misnomer as ducks don't walk they waddle)anyway he goes in to a bar and asks the bar man: "do you have and grapes?" the bar man puzzled, (and quite rightly so, imagine that a talking duck!) replies "no" the duck apologises and then leaves.the next day the duck appears again and asks: "do you have any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." (i say the barman gave him quite the set down!) the duck, chastened apologies and leaves
unbelievably! the duck appears for a third day and before he can even ask the barman says "Listen, duck! (he is quite rude, but you cant really blame him, this is a most persistent duck!)This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"well that sure told him right?, wrong! the cheeky duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"Confused, the bartender says no."Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"ah that one gets me every timei do realise that this is less of a joke and more of a novelbut you can't be stingy with good comedy.anyhow speak to you soon!
16 March 2010
- Ha! Sorry I only just saw this. Quack quack!
Ok so here is one I stole of the interwebs (oh me oh my!)
There is a Jokes Fun Club in New York. All the jokes ever told are catalogued and the old members know their numbers and reuse them. An old member says:
- Five!
All laugh. Another member:
- Twenty four!
General laugh. A newbie, first time in one session, saw that's enough tell the number of a joke, decides to try:
- Sixteen!
Absolute silence. Nobody laugh. One of the old members tells him:
- Colleague, doesn’t matter the joke, it’s important to tell it well.
Ha.
Ironic, no?
Speak soon! xx
16 March 2010Nazareth Gayle- not ironic but wise ..very wise
so how is the wonderfull world of the intrepid austrailian?
and how does it compare to the pedestrian life of the insipid english chick?
wanna know the crazy happs going on in my life right now?
well even if you didnt, you're gonna, this is a one conversation and you have no say in which way it goes.
thus far i have managed to give myself food poisoning twice
once from a suspect apperitivo place opposite our house, dirt cheap (comparatively) but comes with the risk of severely damaged intestines... but it was very cheap
and the second time was my own fault. i got it from undercooked chicken, partly defrosted in the microwave, you should never cook when your hungry you only end up making bad decisions. beware the danger of uncooked poultry!
btw would a bogan call it a chook?
anyways those were the highlights of this week, what are yours?
i am currently at work "researching" old school children's tv shows on youtube
love my job!
i've watched the nightmare before Christmas, the never ending story , and anything with any form of muppet
can you think of any kids shows where puppets come to life or anything like that?
i know there are loads i just can't think of any right now
this would be a big help
another joke
and its rather apt if i do say so myself
why does noddy wear i hat with a bell on it?
because hes a c**t.
swearing.
its not big, it not clever, but its fucking hilarious
24 March 2010
- Well the (slightly) intrepid australian is laying low in Sarajevo (yes I have rhyming skills), Bosnia is fascinating, walked around a bombed out building that still had bullet shells on the floor, weird that they don't barr them up or something.
Sorry to hear about the unfortunate plight of your stomach. Sending you get well vibes, pepto-bismol and dyoralite. And you are quite correct, a bogan would most definitely refer to poultry in the generic as chook, a roast chicken being a 'hot chook', not to be confused with a 'hot chick', which is bogan slang for an attractive young woman. Made that mistake once, that was an awkward blind date I can tell you.
Re puppets coming to life: The Raggy Dolls (1986-1994), although they were kinda alive already, toy story style.
Also, Noddy joke? Fucking love it.
Instead of the usual one liner, i thought I would give you a meditation on all things Chuck.
# When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
# Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
# Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
# There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
# When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
# Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
# A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
# When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
# Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
# Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
# When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
# How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
# In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
# Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
# If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
# Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
# The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
# A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
# Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
# Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
# When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
# While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
# Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
# When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
# When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
# Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
# Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
# Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
# For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
# Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
# When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
# Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
# When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
# Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
# On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
# Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
# Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
# In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
# Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
# Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
# Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
# Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
# Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
# If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
# Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
# Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
# Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
# The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
# It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
# You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
# Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
# The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
# There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
# Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
# When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
# Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
# James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
# Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
# Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
# Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
# It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
He can Texas Walker me any day.
xx
- 24 March 2010Nazareth Gayle
- bloody hell!
you sure upped the anti correspondence wise do you think you could win who wants to be a millionare by answering every question with chuck norris ? on the other hand it is both lazy and dishonest to fill a missive with chuck norris jokes when you know full and well that if you say the word chuck norris three times he appears and kills your father, and then your cat.
as "daggy" (i am totaly in love with that word) as this sounds the phrase "hot chook" kinda floats my boat
my condolences on the lack of internet god knows what people did with their time before facebook coz i genuinely can't remember it might have been conversation, reading or some other such nonsense facebook combines the two with none of the pesky punctuation, spelling or grammatical accuracies.
thanks for the puppet stuff
i like a good one line-er there's something beautiful about the old
"guy walks in to a bar,
ouch" joke that just makes me happy
did you get your jeans or are you now sporting a pair of arse crack peep shows? although my fashions sense screams NO! my sense of humor is really enjoying that image
as to the rhyming don't quite your day job although a rapping optimertist is something you just don't see enough of on MTV
"lo and behold the rapping doctor of the eye
when he approaches with eye drops he will make you cry
his flow it delights us, very like conjunctivitis,
infectious and if not treated directly, deadly. "
i smell a hit...
anyhowsen enjoy your war torn country while your there any chance you could pick me up a child bride?... (to soon?)
x
- xxxxxxxxxxxxx09 April 2010
- Ok. It's been a while since I have graced the interwebs with my awkward and somewhat shabby presence and as such I really should have brought with me a joke that would render me worthy of redemption.....
Unfortunately I am a dozy cunt and have no such joke.
But I figure self depreciation gets me maybe halfway there.
Jeans don't get here for another week direct from sunny London. Currently people have to avert their gaze when i turn around as my exceedingly pale arse is causing the kind of blindness akin to that usually found in people who stare at eclipses. Charming aren't I? Fasion will have to wait. Did anyone say 'Derelicte'?
So about that child bride. Would you prefer a fresh one or are you happy with second hand (they're almost half the cost, I can get you a good deal. Reasonable mileage, only a few surface scratches, you can just powder right over those.)
Mmm.... and on that note I'll leave you.
No that's not fair. No joke and all. Here is one for instant gratification.
20 lemmings walk into a bar. Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!
Ow. My side. It is a-splittin'.
- 13 April 2010Nazareth Gayle
- ok since i left you on the ultimate cliffhanger im going to fill you in on the awesomeness and awe fullness of my death defying exodus from firenze, the city that style forgot
picture if you will a girl with a mission, a time limit and no linguistic skills whatsoever add to that a serious limit of funds i.e i had exactly 30£ and shrapnel this is, as you can see, not a pretty picture, to cut a long but no doubt exciting story short i did a Blanche Dubois and relied on "the kindness of strangers" lots of random people helped me including a Albanian guy who im pretty sures name was "blark" and a taxi driver who drove me from the airport to my landladies house then waited for me to run to my flat get my passport and drove me back to the airport at formula 1 speed all for under 20£
i checked in with minuets to spare wiping the sweat from my brow and the tears from my eyes and resolved never to go anywhere ever again, that's it for me no places.
i don't even want to see another place until I'm old enough to know what i want, but too old to use it .
what do you think? that was pretty damn intrepid wasn't it?
i mean your a traveller so you probably never get your self in stupid scrapes like that in fact your probably very responsible and safe. i bet that you've never had an adventure in your life... ( this is an obvious ploy to get you to tell me a story, is it working?)
* really bad party joke- if i have four apples in one hand and seven pears in the other what have i got?
big hands.
- xxxxxxxxxx14 April 2010
- I think what you mistake for intrepidness is actuallly a delightful melange of apathy, stupidity and gross negligence in regards to the safety and well-being of ones self and possessions, with more than a healthy dash of inebriation for good measure.
For example. So far on this trip I have left behind: 1 x iPhone 3GS, black; 1 x Jack London Double-Breasted 3/4 Trench Summer Jacket, Grey Herringbone; 1 x Vintage faded T-Shirt, 'The Justice League fights Captain Robot'; 1 x Contrast Narrow Buttoned Collar Shirt, Topman, Navy/Faded Blue; 3 x Pairs Socks, Bonds, black.
YOU are the intrepid traveller. So please go other places. Like Australia. It is sometimes good. Other places are good. And interesting. They are also interesting sometimes. But mostly good. There is my sales pitch for travelling.
Re: the jeans, exciting new development. I have reacquainted myself with needle and thread and, as best I could, replaced massive jean holes with what look like massive jagged black scars. Good thing I'm not a doctor, those sutures would never pass muster...5 more days with them.
Ok, so. Funny travel story. Left Ohrid, Macedonia and took a bus to Skopje, Macedonia so we could get a train to Thessaloniki. Bus ran late, missed train, so we stayed overnight in Skopje and decided to skip Thessaloniki as we were running out of time.
Let me digress into the veritable paradise that is the FYROM capital: There are no street signs in Skopje. Very few people speak english. We are too poor to take cabs. It took 3 hours to find the hostel, after going completely the wrong way for about an hour. Dragged ourselves in, crashed, got up the next morning at 5am take the train to Thessaloniki and a connecting train to Athens.
We get to Thessaloniki at 2pm, the connecting train is full and we have to wait till the 11pm sleeper train. Ok. Thats fine.
So we walk around for 8 hours and get to the train early and take some good seats cause its going to be a long overnight train. We find some nice comfy ones, get settled and start playing some cards.
A guy comes up to us after a few minutes and says 'sorry guys, you're in my seat'. We check our tickets and they don't have seat numbers, but his does. Damn. So we get off and ask one of the rail guys and he points to one of the end carriages and walks away. We get back on and just stand around for a bit cause all the seats are taken. Then we notice people start just sitting in the aisles and at the ends of the carriages. So we are piled in hip to hip and on top of each other, everyone has a patch of floor about 1m by 40 cm, at one point there were 14 people in my 2m square area, some stacked into the adjacent three-tier luggage compartments like they are tiny apartment blocks. Ha. It was an 8 hour trip.
Oh, and every time someone walks down the aisles (about every minute) everyone has to stand up and sit back down again. At one point I managed to fall asleep in the pile of people but woke up with a greek girl sleeping on top of my head. Turns out she was friendly greek anarchist/artist. So how did I deal with this ? We got drunk and talked about squatting in Berlin. Thankfully the young greek art/anarchist kids (bless them) had some bottles of Metaxa.
I love travelling.
A simple but classic nonsensical joke from my childhood ( I had to have 20 hours of hypnotherpy to dig this one back up):
Q: How do you get a penguin off a bicycle?
Throw a fridge at it.
- 16 April 2010Nazareth Gayle
- well,well,well i bow down to you superior ineptitude you lost an iphone! that is bad,i mean really bad, not to rub salt in to the wound but it is pretty darn bad
my commiserations on all your material homies lost while you could have been doing something constructive , i'll pour out some liquor
three cheers for nonsensical jokes i quite like the old skeleton based ones i.e why didnt the skeleton go to the party, coz he had nobody to go with, why didn't the skeleton jump of the clif, coz he didn't have the guts...ect
i think you have to be a certain type of person to enjoy travelling, i don't think im it for example given the choice, i would never leave my bed i am most comfortable when im horizontal so much so that should i ever fall into a coma i think i'd enjoy it.
congratulations on your use of common sense r.e the jeans how long do you think there gonna last, taking into account your tender ministrations with the needle and thread?
you sales pitch was quite convincing but as half my friends have decided that oz is the place to be im going to be obstinate and stay here plus i can't imagine being in the air for such a ridiculous amount of time, its only magic and hope that keeps planes in the air in the first place it seems to be tempting fate to try and stay in the air for 2days, the pixies might go on strike or worse yet the fairy dust might blow off and god help us all if the string that is attached to the clouds breaks, coz then were all fucked.
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