Trouble in literature.

i found this on my computer recently. it was written at the beginning of the year. it is truly maudlin.


i have never pretended any understanding of literature i have not intersts in that direction the pieces of writting i enjoy are the ones that touch me emotionaly and intellectually a nicely crafted line is enough to bring me to tears and yet here i already feel out of my depth, its been a while since i felt like this. i dont like it. not since GCSE maths have i felt like i was barely keeping my head above water, this was supposed to be my element i was supposed to flurish here and yet im drowning here, again
i talk too much, thrust myself too far forward, yet retreat from people. i critisised a friend for not making friends and yet i am so much worse. if i let myself think too hard about my lonileness i will crack, everynight my mum rings me and i dutifully tell her i am working hard when in reality i am staring at my books wondering when i got left behind.
i thought i could do this.
but the funny thing is, if i cant i don't really have any other options i dont care enough to study politcs not qualified enoght to study history and i can't act well enought to study drama on its own
i miss m friends who made me feel funny, smart and confident
without someone else independance is and diplomatic way of saying lonley
did my teachers know i would find this so hard?
why didnt they warn me?
arogant.
thats what my english teacher called me.
he was right
there is nothing worse than self awareness. the realizeation of ones inadequacys and short commings. my stomach rebells at the thought i will never be who i wanted to be .
these are dark moods. i thought i had escaped them for nearly two years i didnt have that little black hole in my chest sucking out the goodness, the joy and life
but its back, with a vengance
it is times like these that make me what to drink. to plug the hole tempoarliy and quiet the voice that whispers in the back of my head that i am not enough.

some reason.

for some reason i am sad today
its a little self indulgent i agree but it seems that having no real reason to be sad is not a good enough reason to be happy.
I'm about to go to work which admittedly could be one of the reasons i feel a bit shitty. but im not sure it is.
i still have those weird dreams. i have never liked dreams i always try my best to block them out, just because i never feel rested after a dream. i sort of wish i could have said to him "tell me quickly that everything was in my head" i know it would hurt if he'd said yes but it would also mean that maybe i'd stop having these stupid vivid dreams. nobody is as good in reality as i am making him in my mind. its like a hormone induced torture. it could be hormones, it could be idleness. i lack the killer instinct tis true. i also have a tendency to imprint and thats pretty sickening. i look at someone's face and Que the carpenters, "something maudlin and wet please?"
i doent help that as i write this i am listening to Tracy Chapman playing my heart in the key of 'C'
the lyrics to this song always kill me a little  its called 'Never Yours":

I wear my mama´s dress
Her finest clothes
Daddy showed me outside
To meet you on the front porch
I laugh at all your jokes
But you look bored
I´ve been a lot of things but never yours.

Say I have known some
Less than I should
Say I have known some
Too well for my own good
Say I´m a saint of mercy
Say I´m a whore
I´ve been a lot of things
But never yours.



when i was in Italy i imagined dancing to this at my wedding, hardly appropriate, but beautiful none the less.
i feel better now i think.
maybe i should write in this blog more often, lord knows no-one but me reads it but there is some comfort in it being there. i wonder if'll be able to find it again in the future, when i am old. that reminds me of that poem by yeats i think 
"when you are old" there is a line in it that i love and its something like "remember those who loved you with false love and true/ but one man loved the pilgrim soul in you" 
 i like the idea of a pilgrim soul.

MUM

I  hurt my mum's feelings tonight.
but try as i might i can't say I'm sorry, coz I'm not. not really.
this year i was sometimes so angry, when you have money but decide you are going to be cheap it is easy to say so.
"no I'm not going out, i'm broke"
see easy. but when you don't its almost shamefull. i was embarrased that i couldn't afford my textbooks and angry that i couldn't ask my parents to help tonight i told my mum to grow up and sort herself out.
who does that? thats not fair. she has done everything she could to help me. everything. i always had the best of everything... eventually. what right do i have to be angry?
there is a word that fills the space of our flat. its so heavy i see my mother's spine curve under it.
Bankruptcy.
and with it follow
Unemployment.
Eviction
and
Dole.
these words run through my head all day.
i get home from work, my body aching and my mind whirling and put the little cash i have in a box in the living room knowing it will be gone the next time i open it.
and i'm not angry
im just scared. my dad has been poor all my life. i don't care, i don't give a fuck about that
but not my mum too.
please not her.
i told my mum to grow up because in my mind-world parents are responsible and solvent. they don't need your help and they always know what to do. my mum is the strongest, bravest person i know but today she is crumpled.
and confused
and looks for all the world as if she doesn't know where she is. i have to set up a standing order soon to pay the bills on my house in sheffield. my overdraft is quickly coming to an end and my job might be closing down for the summer as i think of all these things a feel my chest getting tight and my shoulders hurt and i wish i could just go back to before.

Dawn Duologues

Above the small table above Lizzy's kitchen hangs a lamp. it hovers over the chairs like Damocles sword. it's light casting strange shadows over bleary faces, the fridge coughs and splutters an odd counter part to our voices as we wispier our dawn duologue. when did i become an oracle? who says i know shit about life? Sam says i need to learn to take risks, I say he needs to grow up. i badger her to tell someone, anyone, but especially him. yet all the while i know i won't practice what i preach. it's one thing to tell someone to take the reigns of their life and another to do it yourself, my coward heart balks at the thought.
"she makes me want to be better" they say
and i smile indulgently, i know that feeling when you want to sparkle and shine on the off chance you catch their eye, where you're scared to let the conversation flounder lest they get bored and turn away
sometimes i want to be better but mostly i want to be
theirs.

Compromise

It's funny what people will put up with in the spirit of "compromise". What people will ignore to keep the peace. we all have a friend who we find slightly repulsive, who's views offend or make us feel slightly uncomfortable and yet either out of habit or duty we keep them around.
I have seen girls look with slightly wistfully eyes, smiles frozen in place as they laugh at jokes they don't find funny, squinting as they try to make that boy who they wish he was.
it is easy to see how atrocities are committed and allowed to continue with little more than i murmur of protest. Mark Twain said that a classic is a book that everybody wishes to have read, but nobody wants to read. i understand this.  when there are wrongs glaringly obvious, everyone wants to have been the one to stop them. and yet it is only a tiny few who can. who dare to stand up and kick the shit out of the elephant in the corner because, fear holds us back.
i watched this girl watch my flatmate as he prowled around the room. overt masculinity wrapped around childlike fear. discretion is the better part of valour, silence the better part of masculinity.
her eyes followed him around the room while he shouted obscene things about minorities. ignorance dressed as irony, poorly disguised as wit. is this who she imagined when she thought of her perfect partner?
is he who she thought of in her sleep?
probably not.
but in the name of compromise she'll take her into her self, let him leave his marks in her body on her skin and tomorrow her memory will paint him prettier, funnier,sweeter than he is.
but tonight i see the corners of her eyes twitch as she forces out a laugh, the way her hands clutch the sofa when he comes too close and the way she winces when he talks about other girls around her.
bless me with the self awareness never to be her.
or the blindness not to care.

Charity.

i spent twelve pounds today
getting drunk on white wine
secure in the knowledge i've got my mum
so i'm fine
i work and crap and painfull job
but it pays me in cash
so i know that i'm alright when i go out on the lash
i pass the big issue man
and i give him twenty pence
and i moan to my friends about where my salary went
i didnt go to private school
poor little me
i've got a chip on my shoulder
'cause my education was free
my mum works in Harrods
and my dad's on the dole
but my economic situation
leaves no mark on my soul.
i always have clothing, i never miss meals
i don't need an ipod or a new set of wheels
so what is my problem?
why am i sad?
given the choice
i wouldnt change my mum or my dad
if i say im depressed, if i say that i'm lonely
why do i push away those who make the effort to hold me?
there are many other people, the poor, the tired and the hungry
that help me give myself a gold star for giving to charity.

My Dad.

Sitting with my father i see my face rendered in masculine (not bad) but more, i see my own gestures, my way off shrugging off other people's opinions, my need for attention and also that terrible vulnerability on the surface yet just out of sight.
my similarity to my mother are borne of familiarity, those of my dad must just be blood.
as we sat outside Derby station the Backstreet Boys blasting in one ear we chatted about things, and suddenly i felt a connection to him that i hadn't before. the knowledge that one day he'd be gone washed over me. can you mourn something before it leaves?

Around his weary body
he gathers the remains of
another life.
under skin that skin that glows
with half remembered vitality
there are clues that he is
tired, about the eyes
and when he dozes
he is quite chop fallen
a high brow sinking.
and a beard that creates the illusion of a jaw
he gathers the remains of another life
the one he doesn't live anymore.

Self Indulgence

I speak with the bitterness of 

the fruit of the grass

who never knew the taste 

of the suns sweet rays

that must be content

till the end of his days

with the knowledge 

he goes unremarked and unremarkable

I speak with the yearning of a bird

bound to land

who the winds soft caress can't assuage

you see his deep shudders

                                                  he is not stone

and mistakenly think him afriaid.

the sky calls him home

his shop bought heart quickens

yet he remains till the end

a land locked beast

I speak in the tounge of the lonley, unloved.

hidden in wide open spaces

desperate nay eager, will pay any price

to find the self in your good graces

a sweet bitter truth

an almost irony

they kill you for caring

                                       its true.

wanting garrantees your demise

far better in future to say on the ground

where condescending angels can't see you. 

Pretension

Finding a me that I like is harder than I imagined,

When I open my mouth and spew a stream of unconscious conscience my heart warns me

I lack self awareness

In the moment

When my mouth comes to a close

I sit and wonder why I put that self out there

What was the hope to gain?

I’m not clever where it matters:

My brain is in my mouth

My soul is in my feet

My heart is in my chest

But it’s my voice that makes it beat.

And so my unconscious conscience gives me life.

My English teacher told me I’d find my voice here

It took me three months to find my mouth.

I’m still searching for the words to remind me

Where I left myself.

on frape.

Why Fraping should be punishable by law:
A serious hard-hitting piece about the social implications of the "Fraping" trend that really lifts the lid on youth culture and pokes about inside a bit.
By Nazareth Gayle




We have all, on occasion, left our laptops unattended, unwisely failed to log out on a communal computer or even, cretins that we are, let a friend use our laptop without feeling the need to stand over them the entire time like some Orwellian screen Nazi. And as a reward for our optimistic outlook on human nature we are gifted with... The Frape. Now, i am not going to deny that often these Frapes are full to the brim with hilariousness, because they are. I have a pretty basic sense of humour so a standard: “I don’t wipe after I poo” Frape, is often enough to leave me in stitches. Or if you are a more subtle sort of chap or chapette: changing someone’s birthday to the day after so that they receive post after post of belated birthday wishes is satisfying on many levels. But what is the real cost of these flights of fancy?
as students we have more time than your average bottom feeder in which to concoct these schemes with the motive, opportunity and dearth of anything even resembling a moral compass to make them truly imaginative. This is particularly true for arts students, who it can be argued at least have the excuse of too much time on their hands and the need to distract themselves from too few job prospects on the horizon. Not that other students are exempt: one of the most twisted, Machiavellian Frapes i have witnessed was by, of all things, a scientist: 
This person took time out for her life to find a ten week foetal scan and upload it to her unsuspecting flatmate’s Facebook pictures with a caption that said something along the lines of: “I know this wasn’t the plan but i am going to make the best of it i just hope that you will stand by me during this horrible, horrible mistake”. I think there may also have been some reference to a “coat hanger solution” but don’t quote me on that. Maybe as a prank this is a bit near the knuckle but it is a JOKE and providing you are aware it is a joke, there really are no problems but you know who do not as a rule tend to understand things like these are intended as JOKES? 
Parents. 
The very "best" Frapes are obviously those that are not at first glance recognisably Frapes so the genius of this one was in picking a person about whom it could quite easily be believed after which it is merely a question of waitting, sitting back as a barrage of comments of support from friends and condemnation from relatives roll in. Frape turns friend against friend, brother against brother and my news feed into a warzone filled with frape and counter-frape until i am not sure what to believe. i don't think it is too strong to say that Frape is at best defamation of character and at worst a form of identity theft as Facebook has in a very real way become an extension of the self. I know that the only reason i get out of bed most days is so i have something to inform Facebook of, i also i know it is not just me as all my friends liked my status when I mentioned it.
My fear is of a world where we can no longer believe the other glowing box in the corner: The one attached to all the nice pictures of cats sleeping, pandas sneezing, fat people falling of tables and of course the porn. My relationship with the flickering bitch in my living-room ended because i found i couldn’t trust it, it lied to me. Constantly. I invested time, love and attention and it repaid me with gloom, despair and Jeremy Kyle. When i turned to the internet it was on understanding that i would no longer have to use judgment and discrimination i am not interested in questioning things and am too lazy to be constantly suspicious of the information it gives me: “Emma Brown liked Family Guy.” Did she? Did she really? Or is this some more of your vicious liar-words? 

Politically i am ambivalent, morally i am undecided and religiously i am disinterested but when it comes to something i really care about, i am all about swift and brutal justice. Far too often for my liking culprits go unpunished, lies go unchallenged and people’s relationship statues are left ambiguous! This is something i will not stand for. So i propose that Fraping should be punishable by law. How would this work? i hear you ask, i don’t know i reply. i possibly should have thought it through before i started writing this but i am a lazy optimist: i began with the vauge hope that this bit would somehow work itself out by the time i got to the end but it hasn't. 
My, isnt this awkward.

Naz Flirting

ok so i have tried on many occasions to explain what i am like when i am "flirting" it is awful.
i am sort of like an old man in tap shoes dancing until somebody loves him
in fact that is exactly what i am like.
to illustrate this here is an example of me flirting via email (under every joke is etched: "please laugh and then find me attractive!") pathetic.
and he is no better, what a waste of wit.
  

•   

  • 
    
    rite oh i found i have been quite remiss in my joke telling 2day heres one that has a duck in it:

    ok so a duck walks into a bar (though to be honest this is somewhat of a misnomer as ducks don't walk they waddle)

    anyway he goes in to a bar and asks the bar man: "do you have and grapes?" the bar man puzzled, (and quite rightly so, imagine that a talking duck!) replies "no" the duck apologises and then leaves.

    the next day the duck appears again and asks: "do you have any grapes?" Again, the bartender tells him, "No -- the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes." (i say the barman gave him quite the set down!) the duck, chastened apologies and leaves

    
    

    unbelievably! the duck appears for a third day and before he can even ask the barman says "Listen, duck! (he is quite rude, but you cant really blame him, this is a most persistent duck!) 

    This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

    well that sure told him right?, wrong! the cheeky duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, "Got any nails?"

    Confused, the bartender says no.

    "Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

    ah that one gets me every time

    i do realise that this is less of a joke and more of a novel

    but you can't be stingy with good comedy.

    anyhow speak to you soon!
• 
  

  16 March 2010

  
  

  • Ha! Sorry I only just saw this. Quack quack!
    
    Ok so here is one I stole of the interwebs (oh me oh my!)
    
    There is a Jokes Fun Club in New York. All the jokes ever told are catalogued and the old members know their numbers and reuse them. An old member says:
    - Five!
    All laugh. Another member:
    - Twenty four!
    General laugh. A newbie, first time in one session, saw that's enough tell the number of a joke, decides to try:
    - Sixteen!
    Absolute silence. Nobody laugh. One of the old members tells him:
    - Colleague, doesn’t matter the joke, it’s important to tell it well.
    
    Ha.
    
    Ironic, no?
    Speak soon! xx
• 

  16 March 2010

  Nazareth Gayle

  • not ironic but wise ..very wise
    so how is the wonderfull world of the intrepid austrailian?
    and how does it compare to the pedestrian life of the insipid english chick?
    wanna know the crazy happs going on in my life right now?
    well even if you didnt, you're gonna, this is a one conversation and you have no say in which way it goes.
    thus far i have managed to give myself food poisoning twice
    once from a suspect apperitivo place opposite our house, dirt cheap (comparatively) but comes with the risk of severely damaged intestines... but it was very cheap
    and the second time was my own fault. i got it from undercooked chicken, partly defrosted in the microwave, you should never cook when your hungry you only end up making bad decisions. beware the danger of uncooked poultry!
    btw would a bogan call it a chook?
    anyways those were the highlights of this week, what are yours?
    i am currently at work "researching" old school children's tv shows on youtube
    love my job!
    i've watched the nightmare before Christmas, the never ending story , and anything with any form of muppet
    can you think of any kids shows where puppets come to life or anything like that?
    i know there are loads i just can't think of any right now
    this would be a big help
    another joke
    and its rather apt if i do say so myself
    why does noddy wear i hat with a bell on it?
    
    
    
    because hes a c**t.
    swearing.
    its not big, it not clever, but its fucking hilarious
• 
  

  24 March 2010

  
  

  • Well the (slightly) intrepid australian is laying low in Sarajevo (yes I have rhyming skills), Bosnia is fascinating, walked around a bombed out building that still had bullet shells on the floor, weird that they don't barr them up or something.
    
    Sorry to hear about the unfortunate plight of your stomach. Sending you get well vibes, pepto-bismol and dyoralite. And you are quite correct, a bogan would most definitely refer to poultry in the generic as chook, a roast chicken being a 'hot chook', not to be confused with a 'hot chick', which is bogan slang for an attractive young woman. Made that mistake once, that was an awkward blind date I can tell you.
    
    Re puppets coming to life: The Raggy Dolls (1986-1994), although they were kinda alive already, toy story style.
    
    Also, Noddy joke? Fucking love it.
    
    
    Instead of the usual one liner, i thought I would give you a meditation on all things Chuck.
    
    # When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesnt get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
    # Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
    # Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
    # There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
    # When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
    # Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
    # A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
    # When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
    # Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
    # Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
    # When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
    # How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
    # In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.
    # Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
    # If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
    # Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
    # The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
    # A picture is worth a thousand words. A Chuck Norris is worth 1 billion words.
    # Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
    # Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
    # When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
    # While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
    # Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
    # When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
    # When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
    # Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
    # Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
    # Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
    # For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
    # Chuck Norris always knows the EXACT location of Carmen SanDiego.
    # When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score over 8000.
    # Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
    # When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
    # Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
    # On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
    # Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
    # Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
    # In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
    # Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
    # Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
    # Archeologists unearthed an old english dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
    # Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
    # Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
    # If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
    # Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.
    # Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
    # Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
    # The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
    # It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
    # You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
    # Chuck Norris has a deep and abiding respect for human life... unless it gets in his way.
    # The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked one of the corners off.
    # There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
    # Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
    # When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.
    # Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
    # James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
    # Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
    # Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.
    # Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
    # It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
    
    
    He can Texas Walker me any day.
    xx
• 

  24 March 2010

  Nazareth Gayle

  • bloody hell!
    you sure upped the anti correspondence wise do you think you could win who wants to be a millionare by answering every question with chuck norris ? on the other hand it is both lazy and dishonest to fill a missive with chuck norris jokes when you know full and well that if you say the word chuck norris three times he appears and kills your father, and then your cat.
    as "daggy" (i am totaly in love with that word) as this sounds the phrase "hot chook" kinda floats my boat
    my condolences on the lack of internet god knows what people did with their time before facebook coz i genuinely can't remember it might have been conversation, reading or some other such nonsense facebook combines the two with none of the pesky punctuation, spelling or grammatical accuracies.
    thanks for the puppet stuff
    i like a good one line-er there's something beautiful about the old
    "guy walks in to a bar,
    ouch" joke that just makes me happy
    did you get your jeans or are you now sporting a pair of arse crack peep shows? although my fashions sense screams NO! my sense of humor is really enjoying that image
    as to the rhyming don't quite your day job although a rapping optimertist is something you just don't see enough of on MTV
    
    "lo and behold the rapping doctor of the eye
    when he approaches with eye drops he will make you cry
    his flow it delights us, very like conjunctivitis,
    infectious and if not treated directly, deadly. "
    
    i smell a hit...
    anyhowsen enjoy your war torn country while your there any chance you could pick me up a child bride?... (to soon?)
    x
• xxxxxxxxxxxxx

  09 April 2010

  • Ok. It's been a while since I have graced the interwebs with my awkward and somewhat shabby presence and as such I really should have brought with me a joke that would render me worthy of redemption.....
    
    
    
    
    
    
    Unfortunately I am a dozy cunt and have no such joke.
    
    But I figure self depreciation gets me maybe halfway there.
    
    Jeans don't get here for another week direct from sunny London. Currently people have to avert their gaze when i turn around as my exceedingly pale arse is causing the kind of blindness akin to that usually found in people who stare at eclipses. Charming aren't I? Fasion will have to wait. Did anyone say 'Derelicte'?
    
    So about that child bride. Would you prefer a fresh one or are you happy with second hand (they're almost half the cost, I can get you a good deal. Reasonable mileage, only a few surface scratches, you can just powder right over those.)
    
    Mmm.... and on that note I'll leave you.
    
    No that's not fair. No joke and all. Here is one for instant gratification.
    
    20 lemmings walk into a bar. Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!
    
    Ow. My side. It is a-splittin'.
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  13 April 2010

  Nazareth Gayle

  • ok since i left you on the ultimate cliffhanger im going to fill you in on the awesomeness and awe fullness of my death defying exodus from firenze, the city that style forgot
    picture if you will a girl with a mission, a time limit and no linguistic skills whatsoever add to that a serious limit of funds i.e i had exactly 30£ and shrapnel this is, as you can see, not a pretty picture, to cut a long but no doubt exciting story short i did a Blanche Dubois and relied on "the kindness of strangers" lots of random people helped me including a Albanian guy who im pretty sures name was "blark" and a taxi driver who drove me from the airport to my landladies house then waited for me to run to my flat get my passport and drove me back to the airport at formula 1 speed all for under 20£
    i checked in with minuets to spare wiping the sweat from my brow and the tears from my eyes and resolved never to go anywhere ever again, that's it for me no places.
    i don't even want to see another place until I'm old enough to know what i want, but too old to use it .
    what do you think? that was pretty damn intrepid wasn't it?
    i mean your a traveller so you probably never get your self in stupid scrapes like that in fact your probably very responsible and safe. i bet that you've never had an adventure in your life... ( this is an obvious ploy to get you to tell me a story, is it working?)
    
    * really bad party joke- if i have four apples in one hand and seven pears in the other what have i got?
    
    big hands.
• xxxxxxxxxx

  14 April 2010

  • I think what you mistake for intrepidness is actuallly a delightful melange of apathy, stupidity and gross negligence in regards to the safety and well-being of ones self and possessions, with more than a healthy dash of inebriation for good measure.
    
    For example. So far on this trip I have left behind: 1 x iPhone 3GS, black; 1 x Jack London Double-Breasted 3/4 Trench Summer Jacket, Grey Herringbone; 1 x Vintage faded T-Shirt, 'The Justice League fights Captain Robot'; 1 x Contrast Narrow Buttoned Collar Shirt, Topman, Navy/Faded Blue; 3 x Pairs Socks, Bonds, black.
    
    
    YOU are the intrepid traveller. So please go other places. Like Australia. It is sometimes good. Other places are good. And interesting. They are also interesting sometimes. But mostly good. There is my sales pitch for travelling.
    
    Re: the jeans, exciting new development. I have reacquainted myself with needle and thread and, as best I could, replaced massive jean holes with what look like massive jagged black scars. Good thing I'm not a doctor, those sutures would never pass muster...5 more days with them.
    
    Ok, so. Funny travel story. Left Ohrid, Macedonia and took a bus to Skopje, Macedonia so we could get a train to Thessaloniki. Bus ran late, missed train, so we stayed overnight in Skopje and decided to skip Thessaloniki as we were running out of time.
    
    Let me digress into the veritable paradise that is the FYROM capital: There are no street signs in Skopje. Very few people speak english. We are too poor to take cabs. It took 3 hours to find the hostel, after going completely the wrong way for about an hour. Dragged ourselves in, crashed, got up the next morning at 5am take the train to Thessaloniki and a connecting train to Athens.
    
    We get to Thessaloniki at 2pm, the connecting train is full and we have to wait till the 11pm sleeper train. Ok. Thats fine.
    
    So we walk around for 8 hours and get to the train early and take some good seats cause its going to be a long overnight train. We find some nice comfy ones, get settled and start playing some cards.
    
    A guy comes up to us after a few minutes and says 'sorry guys, you're in my seat'. We check our tickets and they don't have seat numbers, but his does. Damn. So we get off and ask one of the rail guys and he points to one of the end carriages and walks away. We get back on and just stand around for a bit cause all the seats are taken. Then we notice people start just sitting in the aisles and at the ends of the carriages. So we are piled in hip to hip and on top of each other, everyone has a patch of floor about 1m by 40 cm, at one point there were 14 people in my 2m square area, some stacked into the adjacent three-tier luggage compartments like they are tiny apartment blocks. Ha. It was an 8 hour trip.
    
    Oh, and every time someone walks down the aisles (about every minute) everyone has to stand up and sit back down again. At one point I managed to fall asleep in the pile of people but woke up with a greek girl sleeping on top of my head. Turns out she was friendly greek anarchist/artist. So how did I deal with this ? We got drunk and talked about squatting in Berlin. Thankfully the young greek art/anarchist kids (bless them) had some bottles of Metaxa.
    
    I love travelling.
    
    A simple but classic nonsensical joke from my childhood ( I had to have 20 hours of hypnotherpy to dig this one back up):
    
    
    Q: How do you get a penguin off a bicycle?
    
    
    Throw a fridge at it.
• 

  16 April 2010

  Nazareth Gayle

  • well,well,well i bow down to you superior ineptitude you lost an iphone! that is bad,i mean really bad, not to rub salt in to the wound but it is pretty darn bad
    my commiserations on all your material homies lost while you could have been doing something constructive , i'll pour out some liquor
    three cheers for nonsensical jokes i quite like the old skeleton based ones i.e why didnt the skeleton go to the party, coz he had nobody to go with, why didn't the skeleton jump of the clif, coz he didn't have the guts...ect
    i think you have to be a certain type of person to enjoy travelling, i don't think im it for example given the choice, i would never leave my bed i am most comfortable when im horizontal so much so that should i ever fall into a coma i think i'd enjoy it.
    congratulations on your use of common sense r.e the jeans how long do you think there gonna last, taking into account your tender ministrations with the needle and thread?
    you sales pitch was quite convincing but as half my friends have decided that oz is the place to be im going to be obstinate and stay here plus i can't imagine being in the air for such a ridiculous amount of time, its only magic and hope that keeps planes in the air in the first place it seems to be tempting fate to try and stay in the air for 2days, the pixies might go on strike or worse yet the fairy dust might blow off and god help us all if the string that is attached to the clouds breaks, coz then were all fucked.

and down

there are some people in the world who for what ever reason are not a relaxing presence. they take up the space around you and fill it with tension, nervous energy or are sometimes just irritating
there is no comfort in these people. no silence. i didnt know how much i valued silence.
i talk a lot, this i understand about myself and yet i respect and even crave quiet. it is for me the single most beautiful sound you can share with someone else, provided of course that person is restfull.
today i was thinking about the sort of person i could happily spend my days with. i do not think they exist my requirements are not excessive in and of themselves and yet i think i could go whole decades without finding someone who embodies them all.
at times this scares me.
and then i think, i think of the reverse where is the person who's requirements i fufill?
this is a pretty bizzare person, i am not at all sure i like him. what sort of person wishes for the things that are me? what made them? what formed them? what are they thinking? and then i remembered that we scale down our dreams that is all life really is we take the impossible and pair it down until we can find on the outside a hint of what we made on the inside in our desperation to find it we over look all sorts of things, faults and holes and we compromise untill the horse is a camel
i am not sure i am ready to retire my dream, that is why i am single. well that and my inability to act. but that im afraid is another, less introspective blog post.

Goodbye 19

Ok so i dont usualy post videos up here partly because they are completely cringe worthy but also because its a blog about writing and writers its seems a little counter intuitive but in honour of my friend tia hero im going to make my blog at little less cerebral and a little more personal
so heres what i did on my 20th birthday (of course im not writing EVERYTHING i did on my 20th birthday no one needs to hear that.)

on on more fun note this what else i did on my birthday

awww yeaaaaaah!