Honesty

Ok so I’m at home (in Florence) at the beginning it was nice having the freedom to do, eat and sleep whenever I wanted but when I thought about it it is really no different at home other than at home its warm, and my mum accepts me one hundred percent there is nothing that I could do that would make her stop loving me I know this because it’s the same for me here I feel like I am constantly on tenterhooks the closest I can get to describing it is that my happiness here is totally dependent on when I someone decides to pick a fight I can feel their disapproval through the walls I have always prided myself on my strength, my ability to know who exactly I am and to adapt myself to any given situation but two months in I’m beginning to crack I can’t be good natured around people who insist on sniping at me because thats what women do to other women they chip away at their confidence like a Berlin wall with the determination of a pneumatic drill it is almost like a piece of art, that is if it wasn’t so painful. You can sense the moment a group of women reach an accord about who they dislike and take pains to systematically deconstruct her. I miss boys, simple uncomplicated, funny boys those people you can flirt and laugh with who rarely hold a grudge and even more rarely start a sentence with “oh no I like her it’s just that....” or “don’t get me wrong she’s a nice girl but...” I am not a girly girl, I will not cannot bond over clothing, make up or decorations I just don’t have it in me I am messy, clumsy and laid back to the point of reclining. example, After we go back from a party certain pictures were put up on facebook namely of a girl looking bad I was randomly tagging them, because that’s what I do when she got home and got on her computer she let out a bloodcurdling shriek she was genuinely horrified that I had tagged pictures of her not looking immaculate, SHE IS 25! She is a grown woman and she Photoshop’s her pictures before putting g them on facebook!
I don’t know what it is but conversation seems smarter, jokes funnier and stories more interesting when with my friends at home I miss them because I like who I am with them, here I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I am patronized I don’t allow that but I regret sharing who I am with them I don’t like that they know stories about my mum and me and things like that when I leave here I have no interest in seeing them again because I have no interest in being this version of me again
I hope when I go to Sheffield I will be able to find people who are again the family of my heart

The family of my heart are scattered to the four winds
Those that I love are gone for now
I am gone too
I don’t think our bond it strong enough the withstand this separation
When we meet again
We will meet from habit
Out of duty
The love will be there but it will be a memory
A memory of a feeling
I will miss them
The family of my heart
I already do.