The music that overshadows
Today I’m going to write a joint blog about how leaving home and finding my place in the world
"The journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step"- Lao Tzu
In truth it beings with goodbye
my goodbyes were harder than I thought they would be, when Jim in his semi-sober state, enfolded me in a boozy bear hug he very nearly squeezed my resolve to leave out of me, something in me broke and all I wanted to do was cling to him and everything else safe and familiar and scream "I’m not going anywhere!", instead I choked out my goodbyes and fled.
On the tube home with my eyes bright with unshed tears and my heard ever so slightly heavy I was stuck with the fear that I wasn't ready to go, "I’m not old enough, strong enough, I am not enough!"
Yet it felt as inevitable as my next breath and just as necessary.
Next I had another moment where things just seemed to slot in to place again
And I was struck by just how much I need the support, the love my friends give me; I crave that well of approval and acceptance. My moment of anagnorisis on the last tube home from Clapham:
I Love and am Loved.
And with clutched to my chest I set off, closed my eyes
And trusted the world to catch me
In truth it beings with goodbye
my goodbyes were harder than I thought they would be, when Jim in his semi-sober state, enfolded me in a boozy bear hug he very nearly squeezed my resolve to leave out of me, something in me broke and all I wanted to do was cling to him and everything else safe and familiar and scream "I’m not going anywhere!", instead I choked out my goodbyes and fled.
On the tube home with my eyes bright with unshed tears and my heard ever so slightly heavy I was stuck with the fear that I wasn't ready to go, "I’m not old enough, strong enough, I am not enough!"
Yet it felt as inevitable as my next breath and just as necessary.
Next I had another moment where things just seemed to slot in to place again
And I was struck by just how much I need the support, the love my friends give me; I crave that well of approval and acceptance. My moment of anagnorisis on the last tube home from Clapham:
I Love and am Loved.
And with clutched to my chest I set off, closed my eyes
And trusted the world to catch me
I love and am loved
That shouldn't be a revelation
To love and crave love
A universal sensation
Too often my hollow body feels
So brittle
I fear I will break
Until I
Exhale my doubt
In one swift breath, let it out
And inhale the thought
That-
That I love and am loved
I miss the warm reassurance of touch
The balm, the affirmation of smell
The rolling treble of sound
The comfort of wrapping my senses in home
Home is no place.
I wonder, can you be homesick for
A time?
If so
I sicken for Saturdays,
For five o clock
For come- bloody- dine-with-me
If not
I long for the reassurance
That I am fine
And the reminder
That I love and am loved
That shouldn't be a revelation
To love and crave love
A universal sensation
Too often my hollow body feels
So brittle
I fear I will break
Until I
Exhale my doubt
In one swift breath, let it out
And inhale the thought
That-
That I love and am loved
I miss the warm reassurance of touch
The balm, the affirmation of smell
The rolling treble of sound
The comfort of wrapping my senses in home
Home is no place.
I wonder, can you be homesick for
A time?
If so
I sicken for Saturdays,
For five o clock
For come- bloody- dine-with-me
If not
I long for the reassurance
That I am fine
And the reminder
That I love and am loved
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